It is a rare occurrence in my world when I read two sentences that are so insanely brilliant and just happen to be consecutive.
I give you...
Those Voltrons were so heavy and metal they could have opened for Iron Maiden. Oftentimes I found myself standing directly beneath the mighty metal lion Voltron watching him hang there all heavy and mighty, just as God's balls hang heavy and mighty in the sky above mankind.
My god I just love that man's writing.
I'm not even Fistfight to his Action Master Shockwaveyness!
This is quite frankly the best commentary about Voltron toys I've ever read.
I hope people recognize those jokes are all juxtapositions of themes from Fight Club and my personal experience of growing up without a Voltron. I can't take all the credit for the writing being good or original. (Although the God's balls line is alllll mine).
When I first wrote it I felt it sounded too whiny, like me being a baby about mommy not buying me Voltrons. But then I remembered I had that ad from Alaska where the copy described Voltron as "Lord Warrior". I was thinking, "I knew Voltron was popular but holy hell I didn't know they worshiped him as a god in Alaska!" And then the chemical burn scene from Fight Club where Tyler draws parallels between fathers being role models for God popped in my head. Suddenly I figured out how to make the whiny crap I wrote into halfway interesting whiny crap.
So for everyone who will be quick to point out that all I did was rip off Chuck Palahniuk, go ahead but that's what I was trying to do because I thought it was funny. I admit the best parts of it are really just Fight Club within the context of toy robots, but in the end that's how I try to lead my life (as we all should).
Why do you think I put Action Master Shockwave's partner Fistfight there? :-)